Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
