I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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