you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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