I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
