she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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