I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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