you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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