This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
