i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things