Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus