what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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