Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
