The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
