My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
