wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
