I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
