Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize