Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
This can only be settled by a dance off.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
