why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
