MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
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Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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