The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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