just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
