why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
