who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
