Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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