remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
