I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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