hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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