She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
