I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
