I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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