when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
