Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
