If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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