my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
