I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
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The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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