He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
