yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
