we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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