Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
