I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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