i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
