you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
