And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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