My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
