You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
