Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
