mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
