Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
