singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
