when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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