When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
