My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
