he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
